When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
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My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
one of
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer