I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
You Might Also Like
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My zodiac sign is pistachio
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
It be like that sometimes 😆