I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.