*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.