My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.