No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Friends that check up on you >
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale