If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*