I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill