I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?