me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.