I like being married but not every day.
馃槅馃槣馃槅馃槣
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don鈥檛 be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a conspiracy by Big Textile.
peacock: how鈥檇 the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there鈥檚 your problem dumbshit
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We鈥檙e facing the same way. Why don鈥檛 you say our left?
Me: I don鈥檛 like to share.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again