this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
You Might Also Like
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials