wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option