Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
You Might Also Like
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*