{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Saturday
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him