I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.