Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy