Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me