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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…