Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.