My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
i could never be president. im overqualified.