[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*