I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down