This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
are there any atheist mantises?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
everyone has that one prude friend
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors