Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
This did not end as expected.
Lmao 🤣
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.