“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You Might Also Like
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with