If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Holy moly
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*