I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?