20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Uh oh…
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex