agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.