professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
These are my roll models.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss