Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.