The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
the battle rages on
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…