Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.