A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?