I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I wanna be friends with this person
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
How your email finds me
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one