Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one