Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
step 6: release the wall snake
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Breaking news:
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters