me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock