Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
water it, i dare you
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.