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therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Good boy 😂😂
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”