Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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mood
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it