Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]