I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.