[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
These are my roll models.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.