Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.