do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.