Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what