every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Miscakes
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I think this should do it.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.