My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?