Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
He-man has a Masters degree
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.